I remember at an early age sippin off my parents drinks..at a early age I
played bartender for my family’s get togethers…my mom she was a single
mom and she raised all three of us by herself….the phone numbers that
were posted by our home phone was my mom’s work, my Aunt Donna and of
course the bar….see mom had an outlet too….my whole family does…so does
it really surprise me that I have seeked an outlet to the way that I
feel since I was little girl…my upbringing wasn’t terrible by no
means..we had food on the table ,roof over our heads, and to do that a
mother that was never there. So I seeked attention, acceptance,
validation, and love in all the wrong places.
I attended my first
twelve step meeting when I was in high school at the age of 16. I am 36
years old, I have been to five rehabs, three detoxs, in and out of
jail….lost my children due to my disease of addiction, in the middle of a
divorce after 9 years….because I put myself in the one of those state
prisons. I don’t know which is worse sometimes the self made or the
state made??
There are only three times in my life where I found
true freedom. When I was a little girl I used to sit on my rooftop and
lay there and stare at the stars and know that something out there was
watching me, when I had my boys, and when I was clean, going to meeting,
doing step work, sponsoring other women, holding a position in my home
group, networking with other addicts like me and not like me, and last
but not least having that spiritual connection with my higher power that
if I put my trust in him and always do the next right thing the sky’s
the limit. I was there once and I made the choice to use again and have
been trying to get back there ever since.
Just coming home from
prison I have to face a lot of obstacles and emotional rollercoaster’s. I
guess that would be life huh? I know that I can find that freedom
again thru my 12 step family and doing everything the program tells me
today and not use no matter!!! No matter what life brings you don’t
use...that outlet will send you places you never wanna go…
Jessica R.
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