Saturday, July 2, 2011

In and out of my own self-made prison

I remember at an early age sippin off my parents a early age I played bartender for my family’s get togethers…my mom she was a single mom and she raised all three of us by herself….the phone numbers that were posted by our home phone was my mom’s work, my Aunt Donna and of course the bar….see mom had an outlet too….my whole family does…so does it really surprise me that I have seeked an outlet to the way that I feel since I was little girl…my upbringing wasn’t terrible by no means..we had food on the table ,roof over our heads, and to do that a mother that was never there. So I seeked attention, acceptance, validation, and love in all the wrong places.
I attended my first twelve step meeting when I was in high school at the age of 16. I am 36 years old, I have been to five rehabs, three detoxs, in and out of jail….lost my children due to my disease of addiction, in the middle of a divorce after 9 years….because I put myself in the one of those state prisons. I don’t know which is worse sometimes the self made or the state made??
There are only three times in my life where I found true freedom. When I was a little girl I used to sit on my rooftop and lay there and stare at the stars and know that something out there was watching me, when I had my boys, and when I was clean, going to meeting, doing step work, sponsoring other women, holding a position in my home group, networking with other addicts like me and not like me, and last but not least having that spiritual connection with my higher power that if I put my trust in him and always do the next right thing the sky’s the limit. I was there once and I made the choice to use again and have been trying to get back there ever since.
Just coming home from prison I have to face a lot of obstacles and emotional rollercoaster’s. I guess that would be life huh? I know that I can find that freedom again thru my 12 step family and doing everything the program tells me today and not use no matter!!! No matter what life brings you don’t use...that outlet will send you places you never wanna go…
Jessica R.

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