Monday, July 25, 2011

Mike's experience, strength, and hope!

My brief time, here at The McShin Foundation, has been an awakening experience for me. Years of substance abuse has left me totally exhausted. My time with alcohol is sending me towards a bottom; one that I've never seen. There have been thousands of days consuming the poison that has left me homeless, jobless, and financially broken. It makes me sick when I remember all of the broken relationships, the days without eating, and the nights waking up in unfamiliar places. Everything I've done up to this point has led me to where I am this minute. I'm an addict and I take full responsibility for my actions. I am tired of suffering and I am ready for something different, something that gives me meaning. I have chosen a new path that will hopefully lead to happiness and sobriety. I thank my higher power, The Great Spirit, for watching over me while I stumble through this life. The spirits of past and present are with us, if only we open our hearts. Thank you, Mike

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

My personal experience with a higher power.

When I first set out on this journey in 2009 I remember having nothing and no one as a power greater than me. My version of god had been created for me, and any hope I ever knew had been shattered or faded into nothing. I was angry even hearing the word God and I absolutely wanted nothing to do with him. I was told by other recovering addicts to get a power greater than myself. I had a lot of trouble with this, but at the same time I was excited. I could finally choose what I wanted to believe in. So I set out on this spiritual journey looking for some answers. As time has passed my view on God and spirituality has changed. I started out just believing in the stars. They were real to me because I could see them, and even at times when they weren't visible I knew they were still there and would show back up. They reminded me of humans. They were simple but so complicated at the same time. When you just gaze up at the stars they make sense but when you think of how their balls of fire held up in the sky and constantly are always there they seem so complicated. It was something simple, beautiful, visible, and greater than me. I have a new take on things now. Due to some circumstances that have occurred I have come to believe there is something even greater out there and I now choose to call that God. I still have my days when I have to look up into the sky, but to me its all the same. I can see god in many things. He shows himself through the sky, nature, people, community's, and I find myself seeing him more and more everyday.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

starting over

Starting over is a tough thing. I've had to do it many times especially recently with the cutting. I've recently messed up again. Now I am in the stage of starting over. It's hard to put one foot after another sometimes, even do the things you're suppose to do on a regular basis. I'm not sure if I feel like giving up or moving forward sometimes. A lot of this is making a decision myself. No one can help me if I don't want it. I have to pray and ask for willingness and a desire both of which I am lacking right now. That's just where i'm at.                                                                                                 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Grace of God

My name is Kimberly B. About 5 years ago strung out on drugs and intoxicated I seriously attempted suicide by taking an overdose on pills. I was in a coma on life support. The doctors told my family to say their goodbyes because I was not going to make it, and I was going to have multi-system organ failure and die soon. Eight days later I woke from the coma and started breathing on my own again. The doctors said it was amazing I suffered absolutely no long term damages. They said it was a medical miracle but I know it was nothing more than the grace and mercy of my Higher Power God.

Ed's experience

Nineteen days ago I was using ten pills a day to feed my addiction and to overcome all the pain I was feeling. I feel better know than I have felt in five years. And to my surprise I have no pain.  In nineteen days I've only had to take two Aleve for my pain, and that's it. My disease was telling me I had all this pain, and I have yet to see it. This is how addiction takes over your mind.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Connections with others

There have been many things that amaze me while I have been in McShin. But I think the most amazing thing has been building connections with other recovering addicts. I'm not sure what it is about these people that cause me to feel an overwhelming sense of love and acceptance, but they just embrace me and take me into their hearts. They give me strength when I don't think I have any. They continue to love me until I can love myself. They have been one of the few constants in my life. I have left McShin quite a few times, but always find myself ending back up here. I can never stay away for too long. I have come to truly love and care about everyone here. I didn't always love other people. McShin has taught me how to love others and genuinely care for them in a way I have never done before. If it weren't for McShin my life would feel less meaningful. I am grateful for their love and the things that being here has taught me on a daily basis. I will be forever grateful for the connections I have with these people and the love they have shown me.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sam's story

Hi! I'm Sam and I'm an addict! I've been using drugs since I was 14, I'm 23 now. It wasn't until I got arrested twice in Rapid succession right after I turned 20 that i realized that hey the way I'm using is not exactly normal. I didn't even come to that realization until after I was court ordered to an IOP. I stayed clean for a little while, but then started to drink. At the time the only thing that was keeping me "clean" was being on probation. The day I got off probation I used, not my drug of choice, but I still used. A week later I picked up using my drug of choice again. Over a few months, my using picked up momentum like never before. I will never forget the day that I realized "Holy shit i can't stop!" It was probably around March or April of 2010. I was at work one morning and I started getting sniffy and achy and all the other good stuff that comes along with withdrawal. I froze in my tracks as soon as I realized what was going on. At that point I was faced with a dilemma "Do I stop now while the withdrawals wouldn't be to bad?" or "nah fuck it, I'll stop later." It's obvious what decision I made and I didn't look back. In a few short months after that I spent all the money I had, my entire savings. I stole from my family, I stole from their business. I was an all around lousy, lying human being. Not only was I lying to everyone around me I was lying to myself, lying so much to the point I was believing my own lies. I was delusional. July of last year I tried to detox on my own for the first time. I lasted 2 days until the evening of the 4th and I was back out. I was hanging out with friends who didn't have the slightest clue what was going on. A month later I wound up in my first treatment center. I went through detox on my own for 2 days before I got there. I felt like I was in hell. I wanted to die. I couldn't imagine life without drugs and I just wanted all of my misery to end anyway. I ended up staying at the treatment center until I had to leave due to insurance/financial reasons. after I got out I stayed clean for a little while. I was attending an IOP for aftercare, all in all I was doing well and feeling good again. Then came a relapse... I went back out for a few weeks and I went out Full tilt. I eventually told my parents and my IOP and I cleaned up for maybe a week. I stopped going to my meetings. I stopped going to IOP. A month or 2 later I had no money, missed my rent and utilities, and I was back to lying and stealing like it was my job. I remember being out on a job site, withdrawaling and I called my mom bawling "I can't take this anymore, I need help, I need to get out of here." Two days after I found myself in another treatment center. I stayed there for 28 days or so, It turned out to be a good experience. I got out of there and did really well. I was feeling human again. Things were going great. Then out of nowhere BAM! Massive relapse I stopped going to my 12 step meetings again, stopped going to aftercare, I completely isolated myself. I went back to my old ways lying, stealing, cheating and all that good stuff. I stayed out for months all the while I kept telling everyone I'm fine. I started feeling the walls closing in on me. I was afraid, I was stuck. I couldn't ask for help so everyday I woke up just waiting for a catastrophe to happen. Waiting to get arrested or to get in a car accident or something. Luckily none of that had to happen. Somehow my parents found out about my using. They confronted me and told me to give them my keys to my truck and not to come back to work. (I work for my folks by the way.) I ran out to my truck and grabbed all I could and started to walk to my apartment on the complete opposite end of the city. On the walk home I had a man ask me for some change. I threw my hands up and exclaimed "This is all I've got!" I broke down in tears. I realized I had nothing unless I stopped using. The day after I called my parents asking for help and wound up here at McShin, two weeks ago. Today I feel good I no longer have to continue using. I no longer have to continue lying and stealing. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Right now I am safe from myself.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Having fun in recovery

I never realized how much fun you can truly have in recovery. We had a cook out yesterday at the McShin foundation. It was a great example on how fun recovery really is. We had a great turnout of people as well. We had food, music, fellowship and a great game of corn hole. My team was kind of unsuccessful, but we had a blast anyway. I knew recovery was fun, but i didn't know it could be like this. I'm looking forward to doing more things like this in my recovery. Just the fellowship alone with other recovering addicts was enough for me in itself. Everything else was just a plus. I'm so grateful for this time and the people that surround me everyday. Hopefully I will have some other experiences just like I had yesterday. Hope everyone had a great fourth! Enjoy your day.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

In and out of my own self-made prison

I remember at an early age sippin off my parents a early age I played bartender for my family’s get togethers…my mom she was a single mom and she raised all three of us by herself….the phone numbers that were posted by our home phone was my mom’s work, my Aunt Donna and of course the bar….see mom had an outlet too….my whole family does…so does it really surprise me that I have seeked an outlet to the way that I feel since I was little girl…my upbringing wasn’t terrible by no means..we had food on the table ,roof over our heads, and to do that a mother that was never there. So I seeked attention, acceptance, validation, and love in all the wrong places.
I attended my first twelve step meeting when I was in high school at the age of 16. I am 36 years old, I have been to five rehabs, three detoxs, in and out of jail….lost my children due to my disease of addiction, in the middle of a divorce after 9 years….because I put myself in the one of those state prisons. I don’t know which is worse sometimes the self made or the state made??
There are only three times in my life where I found true freedom. When I was a little girl I used to sit on my rooftop and lay there and stare at the stars and know that something out there was watching me, when I had my boys, and when I was clean, going to meeting, doing step work, sponsoring other women, holding a position in my home group, networking with other addicts like me and not like me, and last but not least having that spiritual connection with my higher power that if I put my trust in him and always do the next right thing the sky’s the limit. I was there once and I made the choice to use again and have been trying to get back there ever since.
Just coming home from prison I have to face a lot of obstacles and emotional rollercoaster’s. I guess that would be life huh? I know that I can find that freedom again thru my 12 step family and doing everything the program tells me today and not use no matter!!! No matter what life brings you don’t use...that outlet will send you places you never wanna go…
Jessica R.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Staying clean on the holiday!

Holidays can be a tough time for everyone. For some it is even harder. When you are trying to live a new life, and do things different it can be very hard when the ones around you aren't. My suggestion would be to surround yourself with other positive people who are trying to do the right thing. Maybe even place yourself in a 12 step meeting for an hour, and gain some sanity. Staying close to your support group and keeping yourself connected with others who are again, are trying to do the same thing. Last but not least, don't use no matter what!