Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Hi! I'm Sam and I'm an addict! I've been using drugs since I was 14, I'm 23 now. It wasn't until I got arrested twice in Rapid succession right after I turned 20 that i realized that hey the way I'm using is not exactly normal. I didn't even come to that realization until after I was court ordered to an IOP. I stayed clean for a little while, but then started to drink. At the time the only thing that was keeping me "clean" was being on probation. The day I got off probation I used, not my drug of choice, but I still used. A week later I picked up using my drug of choice again. Over a few months, my using picked up momentum like never before. I will never forget the day that I realized "Holy shit i can't stop!" It was probably around March or April of 2010. I was at work one morning and I started getting sniffy and achy and all the other good stuff that comes along with withdrawal. I froze in my tracks as soon as I realized what was going on. At that point I was faced with a dilemma "Do I stop now while the withdrawals wouldn't be to bad?" or "nah fuck it, I'll stop later." It's obvious what decision I made and I didn't look back. In a few short months after that I spent all the money I had, my entire savings. I stole from my family, I stole from their business. I was an all around lousy, lying human being. Not only was I lying to everyone around me I was lying to myself, lying so much to the point I was believing my own lies. I was delusional. July of last year I tried to detox on my own for the first time. I lasted 2 days until the evening of the 4th and I was back out. I was hanging out with friends who didn't have the slightest clue what was going on. A month later I wound up in my first treatment center. I went through detox on my own for 2 days before I got there. I felt like I was in hell. I wanted to die. I couldn't imagine life without drugs and I just wanted all of my misery to end anyway. I ended up staying at the treatment center until I had to leave due to insurance/financial reasons. after I got out I stayed clean for a little while. I was attending an IOP for aftercare, all in all I was doing well and feeling good again. Then came a relapse... I went back out for a few weeks and I went out Full tilt. I eventually told my parents and my IOP and I cleaned up for maybe a week. I stopped going to my meetings. I stopped going to IOP. A month or 2 later I had no money, missed my rent and utilities, and I was back to lying and stealing like it was my job. I remember being out on a job site, withdrawaling and I called my mom bawling "I can't take this anymore, I need help, I need to get out of here." Two days after I found myself in another treatment center. I stayed there for 28 days or so, It turned out to be a good experience. I got out of there and did really well. I was feeling human again. Things were going great. Then out of nowhere BAM! Massive relapse I stopped going to my 12 step meetings again, stopped going to aftercare, I completely isolated myself. I went back to my old ways lying, stealing, cheating and all that good stuff. I stayed out for months all the while I kept telling everyone I'm fine. I started feeling the walls closing in on me. I was afraid, I was stuck. I couldn't ask for help so everyday I woke up just waiting for a catastrophe to happen. Waiting to get arrested or to get in a car accident or something. Luckily none of that had to happen. Somehow my parents found out about my using. They confronted me and told me to give them my keys to my truck and not to come back to work. (I work for my folks by the way.) I ran out to my truck and grabbed all I could and started to walk to my apartment on the complete opposite end of the city. On the walk home I had a man ask me for some change. I threw my hands up and exclaimed "This is all I've got!" I broke down in tears. I realized I had nothing unless I stopped using. The day after I called my parents asking for help and wound up here at McShin, two weeks ago. Today I feel good I no longer have to continue using. I no longer have to continue lying and stealing. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Right now I am safe from myself.