Thursday, May 28, 2015
When I was 14 years old, I was raped by a parent of some kids I was babysitting. 4 Months after that, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and a month after that my dad lost his eye sight. A few months after that my grandmother died. I was so young, I didn't know how to process emotions. So, I started smoking weed to cope with all the feelings of mistrust and I felt like everyone I got close to left, or something bad happened. A couple years later I noticed my parents had pain killers, I didn't think it would get me high. But they did. I took pain killers from my parents. I binge used pain killers until they were out. Then I did it again until they were out, and again till they were out. I didn't make it a habit, but it was definitely there. I met my ex a few years later, who had just gotten out of prison for selling heroin. A few months into our relationship he introduced me to heroin. We'd sniff it a weekend, then wouldn't do it for a while, then do it another weekend, then stop. We also experimented with molly as well. Then we started doing morphine. Doing 30 mg, and 100mg of morphine. I had formed a habit of taking morphine, but I was able to kick the habit myself. I didn't like the way they made me feel after a while. The physical, emotional, and physical abuse of my relationship was consistently getting worse. I eventually got the courage to leave him. After I left him, he started sending me nasty messages; threatening to kill me, threatening my family, told me no one would love me, that I was too much of a bitch, said I was getting too fat for anyone to love me. All these comments lowered my self-esteem and was fucking with my head. I didn't know how to deal with all he emotions. One night I went out with one of my friends, and it ended up being the first night a needle went in my arm. I told the guy with me and my bestfriend that I had sniffed it before but it made me sick and I didn't like how it felt. He told me in order to avoid all that was I had to shoot up. So, he shot me up for the first time. After it hit me, all the insecurities and emotions went away. I knew right then that I was going to make a habit of it. I was okay with it because it made all the feelings go away. I got off work one night, and I went to go see the guy I was using with. We ended up getting high together and I left to go home. I nodded out while driving home at 2:30 in the morning, and I came to with my car half way into the ditch and I couldn't get it back on the road. I jerked the wheel and ended up doing a 180 onto the other side of the road, into a field with trees. I got out, checked my car and I was missing a head light. I backed out and drove home. I swore I'd never do dope again, it was too much for me. I woke up the next morning and my using buddy came over so I called my friend to come pick me to go get high. My addiction just continued. About a week later, I started driving my car around, unfixed. I ran out of my own money, so I would go to WaWa and use my parents credit card to buy gift cards. I took the gift cards and would pawn them for money. One night I'm at work and my parents saw I maxed out their card and spent $12,000 over the max. I got off of work and saw that my sisters car was parked right next to mine, with my using buddy in it. He was there to pick me up from work. Then my parents pull up and everyone saw my car unfixed. My mom took my purse and found a needle in it, then proceeded to search my car and found 75 more. Then they took me to the hospital to get checked out and the doctor said I didn't have a problem, I just needed to get my shit together. A few days later, they brought me to McShin, to look at facilities for me to go to. Upon arriving here, my sister told me I couldn't go home, and none of my family would let me stay with them. I stayed, and a few days later fell in love with it here. Sobriety was never something I really experienced since I was 13. I love it because I'm getting the trust back from my parents and sister. I've been able to form real friendships. I am not able to be a good daughter, friend, sister, someone that people can confide in, and all I want to do at this point is help a newcomer. I want to help a newcomer the same way I was helped when I got here.