Rachel M Blog
My name is Rachel and I am a woman
in recovery. I have been free of any mind-altering substances for almost nine
months. Ridding myself of drugs and alcohol was just the beginning. See heroin
does not commit any crimes, crack doesn’t force me to hustle on the street and,
alcohol does not demand I drink the whole bottle. I did those things because I was physically
dependent on the drugs and mentally obsessed with the next one. What was it
though that let me to use them in the first place?
I have a disease. This disease I
suffer from is something I believe I have had since birth and something I will
have for the rest of my life. My disease tells me that I am not a good person,
it tells me that I am not pretty enough, thin enough or smart enough. It tells
me to be quiet because I have nothing to bring to the table. It tells me don’t
even bother trying because you will fail at it anyway. It makes me run from
opportunities out of fear. I am naturally afraid of everything. When I was a
child I was afraid my classmates wouldn’t like me because I didn’t even like
me. I hated myself, I hated my clothes, I hated my hair, my grades, my voice
and, I hated the way people would look at me in the eye when they talked to me
because I felt like they were judging me and hating me too.
When I was 15 I found alcohol. A
few big gulps of a warm Colt 45 and that warm, fuzzy, glowing feeling I got as
it made its way through my blood stream was all it took. I drank alcoholically
since that day. I didn’t turn any substance away no matter the consequences. I
experienced loss of jobs, loss of education, loss of family, loss of homes,
loss of self-respect, loss of morals, loss of many of my firsts. I lost myself
before I even knew who I was. After over 15 years of just a miserable existence
mixed with a few months here and there of what I thought was normalcy, I found
my pathway to recovery.
I work a 12-step program to the best of my
ability. I am human so I by no means do that perfectly but I do the best that I
am able. I have a network of strong women with multiple years clean that I turn
to on a daily basis. I have a Higher Power that I talk to periodically throughout the
day. When life gets too much for my human body to handle I turn it over to Him
to take care of. I remind myself that I am worth fighting for, I am smart, I am
beautiful, I am funny, I am lovable, I am employable, I can reach my potential
so long as I do the next right thing for the next right reason.
There
is a solution to the disease I have. For me that means I will have to work a
program of recovery for the rest of my life. Some days are easier than others
but my worse day clean is better than any day out there using. 9 months ago, I
so desperately just wanted to be happy. I wanted so badly to wake up withouot
having to obsess about how I was going to get my drugs. I just wanted to be
able to laugh. I just didn’t think would ever be possible. Now the
possibilities are endless and with almost 9 months clean I am just getting
started. 
