My name is Erin Mayberry, Director of Female Programs with
McShin Foundation and a woman in long term recovery from substance use
disorder. What that means to me is that
I have not found it necessary to use a drug or other substitute since November
10, 2014. Today, I am a better mother,
daughter, friend and partner than I have ever been. I am growing into a woman that loves and
appreciates herself and those around her who consistently help me in my desire
to grow and become a better person.
Here is a little peak into what is going on in my life at
the moment. Not necessarily the work
related stuff, the me stuff. The
uncomfortable stuff. The stuff I don’t always want to talk about and would
rather hide from than work on or address.
EXPECTATIONS. That’s where I am at today. Before I start, let me say my higher power
has a sense of humor and I always seem to be the last one to the party!
My focus in the last few weeks has been on taking it easy on
my friends, colleagues and loved ones. Oh, and myself…that’s very very
important! My gratitude and ability to
practice some acceptance and patience was wavering. In a very short time, like less than twelve
hours, myself and many of my friends had buried a dear friend and watched two
very close friends go back out to use, one of which culminated in an extended
hospital stay due to overdose.
I was hurting, as were my friends. Out of pain, some things were said both by
myself and other individuals that were hurtful and wrong. Even though I myself did not respond in a way
I would have liked to, I EXPECTED that because some had lived a lifestyle of
recovery longer than I had, they would not react as I had. What a crock of crap. I’m human just as they are. I feel just like they do. By working on myself, I have learned that I
am capable of causing great harm to myself and others with my words and
actions. Even with this knowledge I
still act out. Why would I expect any
less of others regardless of their personal journey? If I make mistakes and have trouble controlling
the words I am speaking, why should I not expect the same from others? And even though I just typed the words, why
do I forget that we are all human beings and that none of us are perfect?
Solutions, today I prefer to be in solutions. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes it
takes me a minute to disengage my ego and get uncomfortable enough to even
start that process, but as a general rule, sitting in misery is not as
appealing as it used to be! If I take a
good honest look at what is happening around me, I can assure you I have a part
to play in whatever it is that is making me uncomfortable. That is up to me to change and no one else. A woman I look up to tells me often,
“Acceptance solves 99% of your problems.” I like to add, “Communication solves
the rest.”
Here is what I have learned.
People aren’t puppets and I cannot force anyone to act as I would have
them act. I myself am not a puppet and I
am going to make mistakes. I am an
imperfect person living with an entire world filled with other imperfect
people. My growth starts with my
willingness to change and remain teachable as well as with my ability to admit
when I am wrong and take responsibility for my own actions. When I am kinder to myself, I can be kinder
to you. When I am accepting of myself, I
can be more accepting of you. It’s
really pretty simple…it’s that application piece that gets me sometimes!
Thanks for listening to me ramble, I’m going to get back to
work…and in case you were wondering…much of what I have alluded to in this blog
has been “righted.” However, if I am being honest, there are still a few people
out there that I need to sit down with.
Thank you guys for the opportunity to gain a little accountability on
the matter. I’ll let you know how it
progresses next time!
