Sometimes my heart gets extremely
heavy. So heavy at points it physically hurts. It is all the guilt and shame of
things I have done in my past that I can’t do anything about. It sometimes
flutters around in my chest and other times it just sits there like a heavy
ball right over my heart. It is almost always related to my children.
I have two boys. My oldest son is
15 and my youngest son is 9. I have not seen or talked to them in over one
year. I talk about them a lot but for some reason writing this blog and seeing
one year is stinging more so than usual.
Zac holds a lot of my personality
traits. He is quiet and keeps to himself. He has a massive amount of love
inside him. He is very sweet, kind and very forgiving. So, the fact that he
refuses to speak to me or even talk about me tells me just how very hurt he is
by all the choices I have made. I had Zachary when I was 17; I was just a baby
myself. My disease is a progressive one and since I have been using since I was
15 Zac has gone down this journey with me. He has seen a lot, heard a lot,
missed out on a lot and got hurt as a direct result of my disease.
My youngest son, Kamden, is a
little fireball. Full of energy and personality. He is a straight forward,
honest and hilarious kid. Kam has been on this hellacious ride with Zac and I
since he was born. I was in an abusive relationship and both boys witnessed too
much. Being so young and having gone
through what he has gone through and still being able to be the unique, smart
boy that he is, is a miracle.
The reason I don’t have my children
is very simple and very honest. They got in the way of my using. I could not do
my drugs the way I wanted to while trying to be a mom. I left them to use the
way I needed to. I had experienced a lot of trauma and it all came to a head. I
was not equipped to deal with life and did what I knew best: I numbed my mind
and I used against my own will. I did not want to leave my boys nor did I want
to continue to use. Thank God, I did because it is what brought me to my knees
and I reached what I pray was my bottom. It got so painful and so bad that I
had to do something different. It brought me to recovery.
I try very hard to trust God.
Without Him I would be broken and would turn to drugs. The pain of having to
face the wreckage of my addiction is the hardest thing I have ever had to walk
through. The bright side is I never have to go through this again. I know I am
where I am supposed to be. I know that I will be a better mommy miles in
recovery then I will ever be back in NH using. The same way God is working in
my life I must remind myself that God is working in their lives as well. This
is their path, their story, their lives and God has a plan. I must stay clean and trust God. He will
provide and He will show me what paths to take to regain a relationship with my
children. I am excited for that day; to be reunified with my boys. They deserve
a healthy mom and I deserve to have my boys.
An important thing to be reminded of is
that we are not bad people trying to become good people, we are sick people
trying to become well. Today I am better than I was and have the freedom to do
what I need to do to stay well and continue to grow. My desire to stay clean
outweighs my desire to use. Today I have a chance. We do recover!
