At a recent McShin
meeting Tim asked to hear from family members affected by the disease of
addiction. This caught my ear, perhaps
because I didn’t realize that those in recovery at The McShin Foundation were
actually interested in what it might be like for us, the family members of an
addict. Usually when we attend the
Wednesday night meetings, the meeting is centered on the addict. The agenda includes their program, their
schedule, their activities and their community involvement. As I considered this request it occurred to
me that writing about my experience might be just what I needed to jump-start
my own personal recovery. To be truthful,
it needs a major overhaul not just a simple jump-start.
I have not been
actively working my program for probably seven to eight years although the
disease has been in our family for well over a decade. I became complacent, as did the addict in my
life. We all thought we had beaten the
disease and could move ahead with our lives.
But just like any life-long disease, we must remain vigilant and actively
manage our lives. Recovery is not a solution to a temporary problem, but a
lifetime commitment to those who want the best for themselves and their loved
ones.
When I arrived at
McShin I was sad, depleted and angry. I
had been down this road before, yet here I was again. I was sad for my daughter and what addiction was
doing to her. I was angry with myself for ignoring the red flags and the awful
feeling that was always in my gut. And, I was exhausted after living in a
codependent, unhealthy relationship with my adult child. Addiction was destroying our family and our
lives had become unmanageable.
Bob met us in the
church parking lot just as he promised he would when I had called him the day before. He was genuine and he was kind and there was
no judging. I noticed he had a slight
limp, yet he eagerly jumped up to meet us and take us up two flights of stairs
to meet Erin. Although she was trying to
eat lunch at her desk at 2:30 in the afternoon, she pushed it aside and
immediately focused on how she could help us.
I began to feel more
at ease as Erin smiled, listened and shared some of her past experience as an
addict. She demonstrated what life could
be like in active recovery. During our
meeting, she effortlessly managed probably a half dozen interruptions by others
needing her attention. Her confidence
and positive behavior were refreshing to witness. Bob re-joined us later that afternoon and
accompanied us on a tour of the women’s housing. There we met Christina, the house leader at
Del Rose. She was beaming with pride and
showed off her house as if it were her own.
She was incredibly supportive and welcoming to us as we learned a little
more about the McShin philosophy and the people who lived and worked there. By the end of the day our daughter had
decided to take a chance on McShin, and we did as well.
In so far as being
a “family member” or a “loved one” there are many of us, just as there are many
of you. We love you and we know you love
us. Addiction profoundly changed all of our
lives, but like you we get to choose how we will live with the disease going
forward. There is no doubt in my mind
that this is a family disease. Addiction
is powerful and it is deadly. It destroys
lives and causes us all to do things we never imagined. It is elusive and cunning, and just as it
fooled you into believing it was a solution to your pain, it fooled us into
believing we could fix you. We were both
fooled.
After almost two
months of being back in a recovery program I can share my feelings with others.
I’ve learned that I need others in
recovery to help me on this journey. I
cannot do it alone and I cannot ever become comfortable or complacent with this
disease again. I imagine the support
groups as a big safety net, there to catch me and lift me back up if I am
unsteady or feeling unsure in my decisions.
If I find myself getting wrapped up in trying to rescue others, I know
it is time to step back and ask for help.
I have come to accept my powerlessness and I have asked for God’s
help. I am not remorseful, nor am I
overly hopeful.
The sadness and
the anger have subsided and I am beginning to feel a little more sure-footed as
I continue to listen and learn more about this disease. I understand that recovery is a lifetime
commitment and only I am responsible for my program. I also humbly accept that I can manage only my life, one day at a time and with
God’s help. This is my program and I am
responsible for getting the most out of it.
I am still learning and I grateful.
I choose to no
longer see you as a child, but as the adult that you have become. I choose to no longer believe that I can cure
your disease or solve your problems.
McShin is an opportunity for us.
It is a huge opportunity for anyone who has decided to choose living
over dying. At The McShin Foundation
there are people who have walked in our shoes and found their way out of the
darkness. They have more experience;
more wisdom, and more joy in their lives because they have chosen a lifestyle
of recovery. It is by God’s Grace, we
are all still here.
